 Heart of Malice |
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| regruBgniK |
 May 12 2006, 10:00 AM
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#1
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 Metroid Queen  Group: Arcs Posts: 314 Joined: 24-December 05 From: South Member No.: 14  |
~~~~~Heart of Malice
------By S. S. Wilkins There he is... him and... Ledah? And that damn cat too. Why can't I...? "No," Malice said aloud. She could remember Hector's instructions as clearly as though he was reciting them to her once more: "You are not to make contact with him. Operate alone, and await further instructions." Malice blinked. Oh, they've already moved on... I better go too. She rose up, wings moving silently, and flew in the shadows, stalking them. ... It's Ein. Why does he want to fight me? How can he betray me for that little girl? Malice danced away neatly, as Eihenjar cut through the air. She brought up her own Diviner, but hesitated. Ein and three girls(!?), surrounded her. Malice could feel overwhelming sadness rising in her, already touched with anger. No... I-I can't... Not Ein... "You're lucky, I'll let you live for now" Malice said coldly. And with that, she propelled herself into the air, and fled from them. "No... No, Ein couldn't, he would-" "He did." It was Hector, dark and forbidding as ever, towering over her slumped form. Malice sobbed even harder. "Bu-" Hector put his hand on her head. "Can you imagine what he's doing now with those girls? I can tell you," he said softly to her, and bent down to whisper to her. "And, can you blame him? Who wouldn't exchange you for three, nice, smiling, pretty girls?" Malice let out an anguished cry. "I'll kill him!" she screamed. "Just tell me where he is, and I'll make sure he never interferes with the Retribution!" "Now, now," Hector said, stroking her hair. "That time will come soon, but first..." You'll betray me again, Ein. How can you look me in the face after all you've done, Ein? "Your journey ends here," Malice said coldly, moving to block the path. "Turn back or die." I already heard everything I needed to confirm what Hector said... Really Ein, in a public bathing pool too? How could you? Why didn't you ever want to make me shriek like that? Ein hesitated. "I'll do whatever I have to," he said firmly. Then get ready to die. Malice struck out quickly with her Diviner, trying to catch him off guard, and finish him before the other girls had a chance to interfere, but he was able to block it with Eihenjar. Already, she could feel herself being surrounded. I won't back out this time. You die here. "DISARESTA!" "Ugh..." No... I can't lose... "I-I..." Malice choked, and spat out blood. She was laying on the ground, holding her stomach, and Ein was holding onto her, cradling her. "Why are you still with me? Why don't you go back to all those little girls? You know you want to," Malice said spitefully. "Is that why you're so angry?" Ein asked softly. "We're only friends. They're helping me." Malice glared, and tried to wipe the blood off her chin. "Only friends!? Everyone knows about those bathing pool 'incidents'!" It hurts... "Those were accidents, I swear. I didn't do anything." Ein protested. "You should trust me, Malice." "...Really?" Ein nodded, and Malice smiled at him. I knew you loved me... Dipping into her last reserves of strength, Malice pulled herself up, and kissed him softly on the mouth. "Ewwwww, look at them. Ein's a pervert." It was one of the girls, the orange-haired one. Malice growled. "I'm going to kill her. Kissing me is not perverted." She tried to lunge at her, but Ein held her back. "Try not to overexert. You're hurt remember?" So true... I can't hold on anymore, Ein... I'm sorry... Her eyes were already clouding over, but Malice managed a small smile. "Tell them you love me, and only me..." By the time Ein responded, Malice was too far away to hear. ////////////////// So yeah... It's pretty short compared to the other fanfics around since I'm not a big action writer. Any comments would be nice. And... GO MALICE!!! This post has been edited by S. S. Wilkins: May 13 2006, 09:15 AM ~~~ What goes around...
Comes around... |
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| Lord Ryo |
May 12 2006, 10:17 AM
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#2
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 Flame Haze! Group: Naughty Children Posts: 197 Joined: 14-January 07 From: Ori Member No.: 532 |
Very good. And it is very interesting
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| H. Tsukiyono |
May 12 2006, 12:30 PM
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#3
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 I am not a cat meow Group: Flunkies Posts: 310 Joined: 7-June 07 From: that CA state Member No.: 1457 |
Err... Isn't it four girls instead?
But it's nice. |
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| DragonKnight Jason |
May 12 2006, 01:18 PM
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#4
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 Shy Group: Arcs Posts: 25 Joined: 9-December 06 Member No.: 347 |
You only have three of the girls in Lacrima.
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| Sotel Kiseki |
May 12 2006, 01:19 PM
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#5
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 Shy Group: Arcs Posts: 35 Joined: 19-January 07 Member No.: 555 |
;-; Damn you Hector! Damn you to hell! *Stabs with a rusty knife*
Megaolix, I think he was refering to the battle where they first met Malice at Lacrima Castle. It was nice, but some of the italic use was a bit off @.@ I got confused here and there. ~~~  |
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| DavidSchinkel |
May 12 2006, 02:18 PM
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#6
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 Shy Group: Arcs Posts: 42 Joined: 10-June 10 From: Gig Harbor, Washington Member No.: 2071 |
Oops, my bad.
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| kelia_zephyr |
May 12 2006, 05:23 PM
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#7
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 Lazy Group: Arcs Posts: 15 Joined: 12-January 07 From: Konali Member No.: 520 |
that was very interesting, i never thought someone would write one with EinxMalice pairing. it was well written, i give it a 9/10
~~~  Gentle winds of hope can stir even the most desolate of hearts... |
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| Leyviur |
May 13 2006, 12:03 AM
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#8
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 Just Some Guy Group: Gods Posts: 576 Joined: 24-December 05 From: Ground Zero Member No.: 10 |
*points at Feral* She's doing one right now actually. XD
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| Geek4life07 |
May 13 2006, 01:45 AM
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#9
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 Shy Group: Arcs Posts: 25 Joined: 9-January 08 From: Geek World Member No.: 1683 |
It's not bad. Not bad at all. But I think it needs a little more work. I know you said you're not really an action scene writer, but try to describe at least just a bit of what's going on. It could help make it longer, too. So would some more descriptions of their surroundings and such. And now I have to be annoying.
Ellipses should only be three periods. Yes, I'm very annoying to mention something as small as this. Anyway. Nice job. As I said, more work would make it even better. ~~~ QUOTE Geeks + Beauty= Ugly Betty Geeks + Science= Albert Enstein Geeks + Games= Me Geeks + Shemale= uhohhh....... |
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| whoyodaddy |
May 13 2006, 09:10 AM
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#10
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 Had 2 cookies than ate 1 Group: Arcs Posts: 190 Joined: 4-January 06 From: U.S.A Member No.: 36 |
What was wrong with the italic use? I thought italics were mainly for the thoughts of a character. Since the whole thing was from Malice's point of view, I didn't see the point of adding, "Malice thought", to everything. And yeah... I'll change the ellipses thing. I'd describe the surroundings, but I can't actually remember them... I don't have my Riviera game with me so most of the writing is based on what I can remember. And now, for a drastic change of subject... Serenity Alive By S. S. Wilkins Who could have done this? Serene shivered as another gust of the cool, night air came in through the broken window. She knelt down over the bodies of her family, horrendous wounds etched across their still flesh. "Hey, hey, little girlie." The voice was cold, cruel, and... feminine? Serene stood slowly, lifting her scythe. "Who's there?" she said, looking around the room. Out of the shadows, a shape approached her. A demon? The demon strode forward calmly. She was beautiful, with long, blonde hair and large black wings. The strange rod she carried in her left hand let off a faint blue light. "Are you the only survivor?" she asked. It almost looks like a spear of some sort... "Yes..." Serene answered softly. She studied the glowing rod. It is a weapon of some sort... Wait... what's that red on it? Is it... blood? Serene stared at the woman in horror. "It was you! You killed my family!" she accused angrily. "Yes." She smiled cruelly. "Your family?" A look of pity crossed her face, but vanished quickly. "And you're next," she said savagely. The woman raised the glowing weapon and struck at Serene. Serene dodged out of the way, and returned a blow with her black scythe. The woman was fast, much faster than Serene thought possible. The glowing weapon was dancing in her hands, striking faster and faster. I'm not even close to good enough to fight her.... The glowing weapon edged ever closer and forced Serene against the broken windows. "What a pity. I expected better," the woman said coldly. "Your mother certainly fought well. It's too bad she never passed her teachings on to you." Father... Serene snarled at her. The woman smiled. "At least you've got fight in you." Mother... The woman raised her weapon. It was glowing brighter than ever before. Brothers, sisters.... Serene gave a tremendous heave, and threw herself out the window, still holding onto her scythe. I'm sorry.... The cruel laugh erupting from above her was far colder than the night air. "You won't escape me that easily, little girl! Come back and play!" I will avenge you... someday... Serene sat up in her bed, and brushed the tears off her face. She looked up at the stairs. At where she knew she was. "What's wrong Serene?" It was Fia. How can Ein like being with that woman? "Why did you help her, Fia?" Serene said bluntly. "You should have left her to die." Fia frowned. "I gave my life to the healing arts. I can't just ignore someone in need!" Serene growled, but didn't respond. "You shouldn't be so hateful, Serene. How can you justify yourself if you use the tools of your enemy? And... I really think that she's changed." "How can you know that? She hasn't even opened her eyes since she was wounded." Serene protested. "What if, she's just faking sickness and biding her time, and intends to kill us all!?" Fia shook her head slowly. "Sometimes... you just have to believe." She turned away quietly. What am I supposed to think now...? What am I supposed to do? /////////// Why isn't that in it's own thread? I figured it'd be okay to keep it in the same thread since it's a continuation of Heart of Malice. This post has been edited by S. S. Wilkins: May 13 2006, 09:13 AM ~~~  Even a hero is just a person. And people are suseptable to all kinds of injury or pain. |
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| mattiator |
May 14 2006, 12:56 AM
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#11
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 Talkative Group: Arcs Posts: 109 Joined: 20-March 07 From: Still trying to skip that stupid rock. Member No.: 843 |
Hmm...When I first read it, I could've sworn I saw a whole paragraph italicised. It could've been my eyes playing tricks on me since I was reading it at around 2 am. Anyway, good job on the second one. =O
~~~ "People who quote themselves have low self-esteem"
- Mattiator |
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| Blackbelt |
May 14 2006, 12:58 AM
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#12
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Lazy Group: Arcs Posts: 9 Joined: 23-November 08 Member No.: 1814 |
He messed up his tags, I fixed it for him.
Hmm... I just realized something... |
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| absolute0zero |
May 14 2006, 03:21 AM
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#13
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 Casual Chatter Group: Arcs Posts: 87 Joined: 21-March 09 From: Area #99, CSS Member No.: 1852 |
Oh, ok. I thought that I was going crazy for a minute. >_>
~~~ "You don't know anything? So, what do you know?"
"At least i know that i don't know anything. And i know that you know that i don't know anything. And i know that you know that i know that..." "Oh man, shut the heck up!" --- You can open LCN with your cellphone. I do it right now. |
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| chrishawke |
May 14 2006, 04:46 AM
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#14
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 Man with Manly Biceps Group: Knights Posts: 637 Joined: 25-December 05 Member No.: 15 |
Mmmm... Let's see...
That second one is interesting. I don't recall reading something about that part, so it got my attention. But it could be a little longer. ~~~ LACRIMA PEONZ ARTZ SHOWCASE (Aug. 14, 2010) - Part 1 , Part 2
"LACRIMA PEONS ARTZ" Archive <-- What's this? Dec. 25 2005 to Aug. 13, 2010 - 371 images, 48.6 MB, fixed some filenames and typos |
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| close.ads |
May 15 2006, 10:02 AM
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#15
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Lazy Group: Arcs Posts: 9 Joined: 13-May 06 Member No.: 120 |
Cool, I was saved by Sturm... Anyway... I decided I'm not going to continue this work... I'm going to start something another fanfic that is a lot bigger and more open for my own creativity. For those of you that don't mind spoilers... » Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... « This post has been edited by S. S. Wilkins: May 15 2006, 10:04 AM |
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