The Strongest Matthew For Whenever Options

[Raijinili]

I come in here to check up on all these people I used to know. See how their lives are going.

Speaking of which, after a couple of months of growing self-loathing, I've hated myself to the point that I can write again. Happy days have returned forever!

Now nothing can stop you except love!

[Raijinili]

Barre chords are killing my hand.

[Raijinili]

Unrelated to last post (though my finger is probably just going to be numb forever so I am indeed screwed).

Triazolam. It doesn't work for me. It did literally nothing. And other benzos do work for me, damn it! I had a two hour long dental procedure where we used valium the night before (worked, but was meant more to ensure I sleep at night and have its lingering anti-anxiety effects so I could actually make it to the stupid place), triazolam before leaving to go, and the other part of the sedation was nitrous while there (which feels fucked up in an unpleasant way but at least it made things not hurt). Imagine a panic attack lasting two hours straight, mixed in with really bad physical feels every now and then when they'd let up on the nitrous. One time they actually took the mask off entirely and it got really bad. They had to put it back on because I was flinching away and tearing up harder than ever. They put it back and kept it going steady for the rest of the time. Except then I was heaving like I was going to puke, because that crap makes you nauseous. But when your lip isn't your lip anymore becacause of how extremely numbed up it is, it's extremely difficult for anyone to understand you when you say "I need to go to the bathroom to puke."

And I have to do this two more times. Give me Versed or kill me because triazolam is garbage and I'm still crying about this even though it was hours ago.

[Raijinili]

My mother is in the hospital for potential kidney failure + other complications and I'm being pinned as responsible for her health getting to this point. We've been trying to get her to go to the hospital for 10 months now but she's insisted on not doing so because she'd just 'magically get better', and now I'm being accused of letting it get this far.

Thanks, family. Thanks.

[Raijinili]

Well, I've hit rock bottom. I mistook my hat for my cat.

[Raijinili]

RHIA I SAW YOUR MESSAGE BEFORE YOU DELETED IT SO DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE IT; I'M JUST TRYING TO DECIDE HOW TO RESPOND

[Raijinili]

OH, WELL IT'S OKAY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, LIKE I SAID

EDIT: I hate that nobody understands what a crisis is. What an emergency is. No wonder everyone is so fucked up. They think it's fine to just wait fifty weeks to solve urgent problems.

[Raijinili]

My mother came home the other day. I feel like I am the proud owner of a 63 year old baby who weighs twice as much as me.

At least my mother is doing a lot better than she was when she went into the hospital. Mind you, she's not doing well, but she's doing a lot better.

[Raijinili]

Now nothing can stop you except love!

Oh god don't jinx me

I feel like I am the proud owner of a 63 year old baby who weighs twice as much as me.

At least you feel like you're proud.

[Raijinili]

Oh right. To continue on the "People don't understand what a crisis is" thing. Less than a week before that stupid appointment they went and cancelled it. The closest appointment they could get with the same person was January 29th or so, and the closest they could get with someone else was literally a month from the date my appointment was originally supposed to be on.

[Raijinili]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VAHNOIFRISK

[Raijinili]

Thanks Dusty. It was an adventurous birthday, to be sure.

[Raijinili]

If my sleep doctor is a sweetie tomorrow I am giving back this gift card the stupid mental health clinic gave me as a gesture of their apologiy... as a gesture of how I don't want their shit beacuse they haven't done anything for me. Their food is shit anyway. And probably cancel the psychiatrist appointment because fuck him for offering me only shit drugs that make problems worse and telling me to just fucking drink vodka.

EDIT: Or maybe I should wait for that next appointment with him and tell him I hate him, I hate that I heard his clinic staff talking about buying fucking TABLES instead of more psychiatrists, I hate whoever fucked up my appointments four times, I hate him, I hate the clinical manager, and I really hate this clinic. Then gather up my things and leave and cancel my appointments when I come home. It's perfect.

This post has been edited by Rhiannon: Feb 8 2017, 04:38 PM

[Raijinili]

UPDATE: I stopped going to the therapist and feel much better about my life now that I'm not reminding myself how crappy my life/myself is every single week.

Also today we bought over $100 worth of books at the Barnes & Noble in the Mall of America except they only charged us $20... that isn't even enough to cover the cost of Paul Auster's new book which is like $30. Really cool.

[Raijinili]

I don't remember making all these posts...