Moments of Irony Options

[S. S. Wilkins]

...
I looked at this post, and it gave me a funny look back. So, I deleted the son of a bitch.

Ok, seriously, I just didn't like the writing in the post.

I don't like portraying myself as someone that's really bitter. I kept the Bhagsu Cafe incident though.



This also leads me to another funny (to me) incident that happened about a month and a half ago. A little more than two months ago, I moved to Dharamsala, India. In my third week at Dharamsala, a friend named Rinchen* took me to Bhagsu, a small town that has a swimming pool. I personally don't like swimming (I hate water), but apparently, many people in the area disagree. So, we sit down at a small outdoor cafe. Rinchen goes off somewhere, and I just sit there drinking tea.

Pretty soon, two Indian families come, together, to the cafe to eat lunch. The children of the two families seem to be very interested in the westerner sitting alone drinking tea. Especially the boys.

Within 5 minutes, one of the boys comes to me and says, in pretty decent English, "My friend finds you very attractive, and is wondering if you will kiss him."

Now, while I do look in the mirror obsessively, I've never expected to have a guy hit on me. Or rather, have one of his friends hit on me for him. My answer was, "no thanks".

So, he goes back to his table (about 6 inches away...), and the boys start arguing. They're speaking in a foreign language, and once in a while slipping into English to call each other crazy.

By now, Rinchen has come back, and we just sit drinking tea some more. Then, the boys' mother asks if she can take some pictures of me with the boys. I look to Rinchen and he shrugs, so I accept.

Hot damn, Indian boys like to grope. In about three seconds, I had arms around my waist, and a hand on my ass. I'm a nice girl though, so I let them. Their mother takes a couple pictures, and they let me go.

One thing I have to admire about them though, is their brotherly love! The oldest one didn't hog my ass all for himself, he let the other two have a go as well!

Oh wait, it gets even funnier. Both families get up to leave about ten minutes after the picture-taking session. They're walking away, when suddenly the older boy comes back, and kisses me. Twice. After they notice a lack of slapping, the other boys follow suit quickly.

Indian boys are perverts.

And... I'm a guy.


*Ladies, Rinchen is HAWT. He's also in his final year at the Institute, so... if you want me to introduce you to him... :D

This post has been edited by S. S. Wilkins: May 25 2006, 06:58 AM

[S. S. Wilkins]

The Seldom Seen Life
By S. S. Wilkins


---1990//1991---
Seldom can't remember shit. He probably screamed and kicked as he came out of his mother, but he's not sure. Maybe he came out in full-lotus position to the amazement of all.

Seldom's father abandons him and his mother to the tragic fate of "single woman raises boy alone".

His mother claims that a fortune-teller said that he'd become a great general when he grew up.

That's some good fortune-telling. Read on to find out about his conquests.

---1991//1992---
Seldom cried and drank milk. He may have crawled around, or tried to bash his head in against walls. The sources are unreliable...

Seldom led his army of one out of his condo. The enemy fled before he had a chance to engage them. Cowards.

---1992//1993---
Seldom cried and drank more milk. For lack of more interesting things to do, other people celebrated his second birthday by getting drunk.

o rly?

---1993//1994---
Seldom walked around a bit. His mother claims that he rode a bike for his first time. Seldom doesn't remember anything about that... must've fell off and hit his head.

That's okay though.

The "Seldom Seen Army" established dominance over the driveway of the condo complex.

---1994//1995---
Same old, same old. Nothing exciting about age 4... Oh wait... Seldom got his first war-wound. The scar is located a couple inches above his right knee. It's approximately 1.3 inches long. A couch decided to give him and his men some flak, so he tackled it.

Lead on, General Wilkins.

Oh right... Seldom makes friends with two other Asian kids from the temple. One is two years older than him. The other is one month younger.

---1995//1996---
Seldom is now 5-years old. He goes to a daycare now.

His mother has also decided that now is a good time to start teaching him math. Seldom is smart. He masters addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication quickly. Next comes fractions.

One day, Seldom gets beaten up by 2 7-year olds at the daycare. When he leaves, Seldom doesn't get licorice from the daycare lady because he got into a "fight", and was a "bad boy". She tells his mom about his "bad behavior".

At home, Seldom gets a spanking because he's too "violent" toward other kids. *

General Wilkins begins his "personal training program". This involves poorly done push-ups, sit-ups, and watching karate movies (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ROCK!!11!).

Amusingly, Seldom hasn't lost a fight since then.

---1996//1997---
Seldom goes to 1st-grade.

The kids at his first school don't like him. He has no friends and isn't having fun, so his mom transfers him to another school. Seldom's mother uses a false address to "force" them to accept him (it's the public school system of neighborhood schooling).

LOL.

Seldom's father comes back to visit him. He doesn't say that he's Seldom's long, lost dad.

Kids still tend to want to fuck around with Seldom. Unfortunately, Seldom rarely loses at anything more than once. They go home crying. Seldom goes home with a referral.

One time, the teacher asked all the students to help clean-up the floor. Of course, Seldom obeys. While he's working, another student grabs his head, and slams it against the edge (not corner) of a table. SON OF A BITCH! Seldom bleeds a ton, his shirt gets soaked in blood. Seldom gets sent to office, along with the other kid. Apparently, Seldom was "sneaking up on the other kid", and "the other kid was defending himself". What a load of shit. And the office people believed it. No punishment for the other kid.

Seldom loses all faith in authority figures. From now on, General Wilkins is the authority figure.

Grown-ups, go home and violate yourselves.

Oh... And Seldom starts learning to play the piano. According to many of his mother's friends, he has the perfect hands for it. Slender, graceful, feminine, and beautiful.

---1997//1998---
Seldom's mother meets a nice man at the temple.

Soon after, Seldom's father leaves again. But it's okay. He left a Macintosh computer for Seldom. **

Best thing he ever did for Seldom.

Seldom's true leadership is starting to shine through. He disregards "child" games, and starts playing games like Warcraft, and Civilization.

GG, Comp. General Wilkins wins again!

Oh yeah... Seldom meets the first white kid that he likes. Awesome!

Seldom's mother marries the "white guy from the temple". Seldom now has a step-father.

Unfortunately, his new step-father believes in the saying, "lead a donkey with a carrot in front of it, and a stick behind it". Someone should have told him that Seldom didn't look remotely like a donkey... And that he was forgetting about the carrot.

Seldom read the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. *** Within a month... and he understood them perfectly.

Oh, almost forgot. Around this time, Seldom's reputation for being incredibly intelligent started being built. People finally found out that it wasn't a coincidence that he seemed just a bit farther along than the other students.

In class, Seldom had a very nice teacher named, Mr. Bigelow. During math, Mr. Bigelow let Seldom play the computer or read since Seldom was already light-years beyond the other kids (algebra ftw!).

---1998//1999---
Because of Seldom's "aggression" toward others, his step-father decides that playing fighting games is bad for him.

What an idiot. How could releasing his aggression against a computer make him more aggressive toward others?

Seldom is now an official "trouble-maker" at school. This results in more referrals, and more spankings. In Seldom's not-so-humble opinion, the better plan would have been to tape a sign onto his shirt saying, "DON'T FUCK WITH ME".

Those office idiots made him take it off... even though it was working...

Seldom's 3rd-grade teacher is Mr. Bigelow. They get along very well to the point of friendship. Funnily enough, his teacher is a firm believer that he's not a bad kid. But you know, if you get along well with someone, their opinion can't be trusted.

Hehe... Seldom also makes friends with a drunk at his mother's restaurant. He learns the meaning of life, and how to be a good person from this man.

---1999//2000---
For his birthday, Seldom gets a iMac G3. But fighting games are still not allowed.

Pffft... Did you guys' really expect a kid like Seldom to follow rules? Warcraft was downloaded almost immediately.

Seldom is also developing an increased interest in books. He reads the entire Redwall collection, by Brian Jaques (I think that's the author's name... I didn't really pay attention), in less than a month. Hooray for a hundred pages an hour!

Mr. Bigelow is not teaching at Seldom's school any more... That disappoints him a bit... Other kids are happy, it seems that Mr. Bigelow wasn't as nice to them as he was to Seldom.

Probably because he favors geniuses over morons. And really, who can blame him?

The ban on fighting games is lifted. Seldom starts playing Quest for Glory 5. Good times.

A month or so later, Seldom "brutally slaps" a kid. When the kid tries to "retaliate", one of Seldom's friends "ambushes" him, and together they "beat him down".

What a bunch of bullshit.

Seldom was peeing while two other guys were wrestling. It was a fucking BATHROOM! Who the fuck would choose that a place that smells like piss, and has wet toilet paper all over the ceiling, to fight out a duel!?

Seldom gets suspended because he has a "history". The other kids didn't get a serious punishment.

Needless to say, Quest for Glory 5 was introduced to the not so glorious image of the trashcan, while Seldom's ass was introduced to a belt. Fighting games were banned again.

General Wilkins starts playing Chess, and practicing against a computerized chess board. He loses often to it, but wins almost every game against real people (this includes adults).

He received a marble featuring an image of a chess board on it as a trophy after beating one of his mother's customers.

That night, his troops held a celebration party.

---2000//2001---
Seldom is now a 5th-grader. This is his final year in elementary school, so a little recap is good.

Seldom is incredibly popular. Everyone knows who he is. The revolutionary that has been known to flat-out ignore an authority figure. The best part? He does it in a humorous way. He's smart, funny, and has approximately 5X as many referrals as the whole class put together.

His grades also started their downward slide here. He just stopped doing homework, and participating in class. Daydreams began to cloud his mind... and he let them. Watching elves fight orcs was waaaaay more interesting than learning about fractions again.

Seldom was also instructed to start seeing an anger-management counselor. To this day, he has no idea why... I mean, really, he wasn't incredibly violent. When he got into fights, he was always smiling nicely at his vict-I mean opponent. So anyway, counseling was fun. Seldom played Monopoly against a pretty blonde woman, while she asked him questions about his day. Fun, fun, fun.

Toward the end of the school year, Seldom got 1st place at a chess tournament held at the school. Undefeated ftw!

Go General Wilkins!

---2001//2002---
Seldom's step-father decided a Catholic School would be the best place for him to "reform".

HAHAHAHA!!!

At Catholic School, Seldom received the most detentions out of every student there, mostly just for minor things like saying "Holy Cow!", and swearing. He didn't even get into any fights.

Oh yeah, the tragedy of 9/11 happened that school year didn't it? Since I really don't give a shit about what happened, I don't really know much about it. I'll say a bit about it anyway.

They had to write a stupid paper about it... I have only one thing to say to you, Osama bin Laden...

Fuck you, man! That assignment was such bullshit! And it's all your fault that Seldom got graded down for not doing it! Fuck you!

Oh right... At the end of the school year, Seldom got kicked out of Catholic School... Or to put it properly, because you know, adults like fancy language, he was "not invited back".

Seldom was also invited by the Chess Club Instructor of his elementary school to come to a big Chess tournament. He lost a game... to someone he helped become better at chess... Their conversation after the game was kind of touching in my opinion...

It went something like this...

Kid: You aren't upset are you...?

Seldom: *puts on a smile* Of course not. *seethes inside at his own failure*

Kid: *sigh of relief* I should thank you for making me win.

Seldom: *confused* What are you talking about...? I didn't purposely lose if that's what you're thinking...

Kid: I didn't mean like that! It's just... the last tournament we were at together... you really helped me out! All the little tips, hints, and instructions on how to win really made a difference on how I play the game. Just playing a few games against you helped...

Seldom: I guess you're right...

And that's all...

Since then, Seldom has never played chess in any major sort of event.

---2002//2003---
After the Catholic School fiasco, Seldom was back to being in a public school.

Good times. Many people there remembered him from elementary school, so he was already pretty well known...

It was the people that didn't know him that were kind of mocking of his odd behavior.

Already, Seldom began developing the personality that so fits his name. In class, he was often silent, and secluded himself from others...

There's actually a funny story about his "reintegration" with other students...

There's some free time in Science class. The guys take out a chess board and start playing against each other. One guy is the best among them (although that isn't saying much...). It's almost time to go when Seldom steps forward and challenges him to a game. Seldom is pretty friendly with the kid. Not so with the other students. Boos were rampant, as was jeering.

The last thing Seldom heard as he left class was, "that kid completely destroyed Gavin..."

General Wilkins leads his troops to victory again!

There was another teacher that Seldom got along very well with here: his Spanish teacher, Mr. Velez.

Oh yeah... and Seldom saw another counselor... Didn't do shit for him.

---2003//2004---
Seldom is 13 now. He is now seriously depressed even though he tries not to show it.

He gets into loads of trouble at middle-school. He was even sent to D.E.S.C.C. for more "anger management bullshit". How many times do I have to type that counseling doesn't do shit for people?

So... moving on... After D.E.S.C.C. didn't do shit for him, you'd think all the adults would stop trying to find counselors for him, right? Of course not.

Seldom gets another anger management counselor. More bullshit, and no results.

It comes to a head when, Seldom's English teacher tries to bash on him in front of the whole class.

Here's what the "conversation" went like...

Teacher: You're a lazy, bad student!!!1!!

Classmates: *GASP* (like I said, Seldom has a reputation for extreme violence)

Seldom: If you say so. *begins leaving classroom* I'll be more than happy to leave this class.

Classmates: *a few of them laugh*

Teacher: That's right, just get out. Idiot boy. *said mockingly, as though she's really proud of herself*

Seldom: *something snaps in him...* *turns around, and roars* SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DAMN BITCH! *there is now nothing remotely pretty about Seldom's face...*

Classmates: *most look stunned; they're finally seeing Seldom's rage first-hand; a few are laughing at the teacher*

Teacher: *looks scared for her life; she hadn't expected the wolf to bite back*

Seldom: *leaves class*

Whether or not Seldom broke anything in the classroom, I'm not sure.

Oh right, before I forget...

During the pre-school summer vacation, Seldom got kicked out of the house. Why? Because he quit piano lessons. Of course, they asked him to come back after a week or so.

During the actual school year, Seldom got kicked out of the house again. Why? Who knows? Two days later, they told him to come back. Gee, this really makes you wonder who the messed up one is in this whole situation.

During the post-school summer vacation, Seldom tries to commit suicide... The vain bastard stops to do his hair in the mirror and never finishes killing himself... After a few minutes, he decides that he looks like a girl, and that his face is too pretty to be mutilated. For the rest of the day, Seldom stands in front of the mirror, playing with his hair, and putting in hair ornaments...

What a fag... (there is no need to take offense, homosexual people)

His soldiers all laugh at him. General Wilkins says, "shut the fuck up, or I'm going to cut your pay". His troops shut the fuck up.

---2004//2005---
The only thing that can be said about Seldom now is that he's transformed...

Over the summer, he got contacts. This greatly improves how he looks facially.

He is now no longer depressed, although there are a few lingering traits from that time of his life...

And above all, he'd found his goal in life (you should already know what it is...).

So, what happened...?

Nothing much, really...

Besides getting bad grades because he didn't do homework, Seldom's freshman year at high school was pretty quiet.

By quiet I mean getting kicked out of his house again.

Whatever. General Wilkins leads his troops back home to safety in a few weeks. Told you he was a great general.

---2005//2006---
Seldom is now a sophomore in high-school.

Not for long though...

In late November, he announces to his family that school is shit in America, and that he's going to drop out and study by himself.

So, Seldom drops out of school under the guise of "home-schooling". Yeah, right.

Seldom's home-schooling included reading, looking at hentai (yes, Seldom is a pervert, but it's not so bad... he only likes tasteful pornography... think Feral Phoenix's fanfics) on his computer (still the iMac G3; it now has memory enhancements and runs on OSX), writing, and playing Riviera.

His step-father gets angry that instead of having a "school day" of 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM, Seldom "studies" from 10:00 AM to 4:00 PM. Computer and Nintendo DS are taken away. Seldom never finished playing Riviera...

What I want to know is, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE DIFFERENCE!? Both schedules were 6 hours long. Why the fuck did it matter if he started and finished one hour earlier. It's not like you were going to be home for him anyway, you fuck-tard.

---NOW---
Now, Seldom is 15-years old, and approximately 5'8".

He has black hair that is about an inch away from his shoulders in the back. His hair is brushed to one side for a non-symmetrical effect. The "longer" side curves around his chin to frame his face. The "shorter" side is just kinda there... it's about in line with his mouth, and kind of curves out a bit.

If you still can't picture him, go look at a picture of Malice (from Riviera of course). Dye her hair black, cut the parts in front to about her chin and cut the back part to a little above shoulder-length, and VOILA! You have a picture of Malice, that looks like Seldom. Hooray!

For the rest of Seldom's face...

He has dark brown eyes. Their deep and not always pleasant to look into... They've still got a little residue of sadness, and fury in them.

His mouth isn't too small, big, thin, or fat. In fact, it's completely average. Generally this is considered a good thing. Seldom always has a slight frown though. Another remnant of depression... Oh yeah... should also mention that his mouth looks feminine too...

His facial hair is limited... He has eyebrows (two of them), and eyelashes (are those considered to be facial hair?), but no beard, and very little mustache. He has full intentions on shaving off the mustache that's barely there, he just hasn't gotten around to it. Keeping a feminine figure is very important to Seldom.

His nose is kinda fucked up to him though... He went backpacking about a year ago (forgot to mention it earlier), and his nose got sunburned into oblivion. That it didn't rot off is lucky (exaggeration)... It's mostly healed now but... If you ever see Seldom, and you think there's something odd about his nose, don't mention it... He's very conscious about his face...

The rest of Seldom's body...

Seldom is thin, very slim. He also has no chest hair or back hair, and very little arm, leg, and armpit hair.

Indeed, Seldom has a pretty feminine figure... Picturing his body is easy... Just go look at a thin girl, about 14 or 15 years old, around you, and picture her being flat as a board.

There's really no need for me to describe Seldom's personality... I'll leave that up to you to make.


*Funnily enough, this is where all Seldom's "aggression" started coming out. Maybe hitting him was a bad idea if it enraged him?

**This is the main reason I like Macs more than PCs. The other reason is that they're flat out better.

***The Hobbit was a good book. The Lord of the Rings was poorly written. That's what I said then, and I'm going to stick by it my whole life.

///////

If you haven't figured it out, I'm Seldom.

This is very long... if you're going to implode, do it quickly...

I hope you found this fun to read.

:)

This post has been edited by S. S. Wilkins: May 19 2006, 11:28 AM