SHITTUBE CHANGED MY CHANNEL DESIGN FUCK THEM.

WHAT IF I LIKE THE OLD ONE.

Complete opposite for me, the past week was utterly awful. ...which I probably made more than clear in this thread so this part of the post might be redundant. >_>
Ah well, I also learned a lot from increasingly deconstructing myself and on the way saw the necessities for quite a few reforms of my mentality (like ceasing to think that I am unworthy of and do not deserve anything, trying to stop hating myself, and some other things). There's one inner conflict that remains unresolved though... Also since how I feel is of zero importance and I have no reason to care I guess it doesn't matter. Well, I do feel sorry for so often having bothered others (primarily the people in my channel and this thread) though. :(
Should I give up all my desires and wishes because at their core they all aim for my own happiness in some way, even if they take the detour of "good" things? (As it is with almost every human being; taking Mother Teresa as an example: Did her actions not ultimately serve her own happiness? If it made her happy to see others become happy or at least have their pain lessened, all she was doing was making herself happy through others.) In a lot of situations I simply merge with the flow of life and act as it just seems right to me without any ulterior motives, like if for example someone asks me (for) something or seems to require help. In these cases I just instinctively do the right thing without thinking about any possible benefits if there even are any. Yet as soon as I do something with a set goal in mind I can trace my thoughts/wishes back to the selfish origin of desiring happiness (actually what Aristotle said). I am unsure whether this is simply human and I just need to keep it down to prevent my desire for happiness being at the cost of others' and use it wisely, or if I should rather try to completely eliminate it in order start living in harmony with the flow of life doing any actions as the need arises for the sake of themselves (while denying myself)...


MINE IS STILL UNTOUCHED
HAHAHA

This post has been edited by P.P.A.: Oct 7 2009, 10:20 PM

Stomachaches suck. D;

But at least it's not a Baroque kind of stomachache because that for me would be food poisoning and that put me in the ER for about four or five hours once.

Not for long...

I think you need to step a bit away from such moralistic and righteous tones, PPA. I'm not saying do what you don't want to do, but you're taking it to a point that you hurt yourself or bash yourself to reach a goal that, well, in my opinion is unobtainable. Nobody is perfect, people make mistakes. Instead of wallowing in what you consider a mistake, take a more positive outlook on it. I've noticed over a while you seem almost "robotic" in nature. You need "set goals". You need "black and white". But the fact of the matter is that the world isn't like that. I'm sure you've heard a great tactician isn't one who makes an awesome plan, but the one who is quick enough to fix his or her mistakes when the plan does go wrong. Like when we were playing gmod, there really isn't a set goal given by the game, it's sandbox. The goal giver is you, you do what you desire. Almost nothing is black and white, either. I know people who have done the most cold hearted things I can ever imagine, but at the same time, I know they're good people.

Anyways, I generally use a technique known as reforming to help me understand situations better, in which instead of breaking down or going against it, you take the puzzle pieces and you make it sound more reasonable, based on other variables. For example:

Let's say a friend is late for a meeting. You might immediately think "this person might not care" or something like that, but instead of that think of something more like "Well, I came down that road several minutes ago, and traffic was congested. Also, this person usually runs a minute or two late, so coupled with the traffic, they'll be later than usual." It isn't that they don't give a damn, and you figured it out by putting the pieces together in a way that makes it positive, see? You just need to be aware of your surroundings (If you're wondering, this is why I noticed you having problems because of long past posts etc, I slowly put things together).

Could you be wrong? Sure. But why doubt or think badly of people you're friends with or people you love? Sure, they might be doing something wrong or something, but nothing comes from it and makes things worse. In short, sometimes being "semi-gullible" is the best method. In short, don't be pessimistic, because pessimism makes things worse, even when there's a time you just want to give up everything. You have to stay positive and have faith when that need arises. And yeah, it takes a lot of willpower to do that, but in my opinion it's whats needed.


Also the new Youtube style sucks, I don't even know how to quicklist anymore when I want to catch up on raocow.

Are the registrations still closed?

I didn't really conceal it very well, so yeah. However, if you think what my goal is is what I think you think it is, then I had already given up on it as I realised its hopelessness (which I blame nobody for but myself). I have reduced it to a more minor one to which it doesn't really matter much any more whether or not you have already reached the other one.


Can't deny that. I'm an often malfunctioning robot though, sadly.


I'm well aware and have a multitude of more and less distant goals as well as reserve ones should others become unreachable or unwelcome. I do admit however that I am strictly and solely focused on ones.
However, the reason why aside from general an necessary ones like becoming a lawyer eventually I am so reluctant to have any goals is, yeah, because I notice they ultimately spring forth from a desire to make myself happy. Such concealed selfishness I consider most impure and disgusting, and hence I try to completely eliminate it. (Open (to me) selfishness on the other hand I tend to enjoy; like in eR where I successfully gained the trust of a lot of people in two countries without genuinely caring for either of them and using both merely to gain a stable polical position and followership for possible future plans. (Although I do like eCanada now, genuinely.))


My mind is strange in that in whichever situation there is it considers any possible outcome or reasons (so taking up your example I would consider these two options as well as that the person may have had an accident, that they're purposely avoiding me, that I may have been mistaken with the date and/or time and so on) and then expects the worst to be the case (and then put the blame on myself). Any situation ever. I probably need to work on that though.



Well, there seems to be a mistake here. I would never think badly of any of my friends or the likes (or in fact any others, unless it is a severe and undeniably crime like, say, exploiting the third world or purposely causing physical or mental harm to another being), and if there was doubt arising I would immediately redirect it at myself. As I don't believe that there is a universal "good" or "bad" it's merely my perceiving of things that makes them appear either way. That's why I'd never really direct and negative feelings at anyone or anything else and never hold anyone responsible for anything.
While no such people are acquaintances or friends of mine, I could probably even come to like, say, a neo-Nazi, a communist, or a militant patriotic U.S. American. I'm differentiating enough to not reducte people to a single trait of theirs (unless, for example, the Nao-Nazi would go and beat up a Jew or immigrant) and first try to see and appreciate their qualities. (This be to counteract the black & white accusation. ...although indeed that is how I order everything within my mind, thoughts, values, etc.)


Indeed, that is the very truth.

This post has been edited by P.P.A.: Oct 8 2009, 06:45 AM

TAP
TAP
TAP TAP

HELLO ENZD.

EDIT: Gah, now my channel has been changed as well. Curse you, YouTube!

This post has been edited by P.P.A.: Oct 8 2009, 07:25 AM

I changed mine ages ago. Not like I use it all that much, hell.

I need to make some speedrun videos again, really Will probably do so during the holidays.

Also I have come to a decision and will try some things over the next couple of days to rediscover who I actually am and what I actually want. >_>

Cooked some Rib-eye steak yesterday for dinner and it was FUCKING DELICIOUS

It's was a million times better then the top sirloin steak I cooked a while back, I still can't get over how good it was *drools*

This post has been edited by aerozero: Oct 8 2009, 08:18 AM

This was not the correct response.

Dear Enzd,

HELLO ENZD

Sincerely,
P.P.A.


ANYWAY

[15:59:51] <PPA> Once anew my dear father Rhine has cleansed me!
[16:00:31] <PPA> After the test, which went quite tell if yet I still have problems with it not being text leading me to too spontaneous answers, I had a bit of time.
[16:00:51] <PPA> Thus, I went into the park nearby my school from which you have got a wide view onto the wonderfull valley.
[16:01:08] <PPA> Something drew me to the Rhine, and I started talking to him.
[16:01:50] <PPA> Somehow as my words vanished in his waves, it seemed as though the veil on my soul as well as all my doubts were washed away in his endless waters!
[16:02:22] <PPA> I talked to him out of the bottom of my heart, while there was nobody around I still had trouble keeping myself from shouting out my very thoughts!
[16:03:00] <PPA> And then, looking upon this beautiful valley without match, the proud mountains and hills of the Siebengebirge, the ruins on the Drachenfels, everything
[16:03:03] <PPA> I realised
[16:03:12] <PPA> or rather remembered
[16:03:19] <PPA> this world is fucking awesome.
[16:03:30] <PPA> Indeed, to grief is a spit into its face.
[16:04:02] <PPA> I am pivilleged to live in possibly the most beautiful part of this Earth.
[16:04:26] <PPA> My soul lies within these mountains to either side, my blood flows through this might river Rhine!
[16:05:12] <PPA> A fool, a fool I was to enslave myself to obsessions, ideals, limits!
[16:05:32] <PPA> I live here, no, I am alive here!
[16:05:38] <PPA> *mighty
[16:06:10] <PPA> This fatherly river whose arms I was born in and whose arms I still rest in puts me to shame.
[16:06:34] <PPA> Right now its water level is very low, and it almost saddens me to see so much of its banks exposed where in other times its water flows.
[16:07:26] <PPA> But yet it streams forth, it's still the Rhine, and while with every moment its shape shifts and the present has been washed away downstream, he nonetheless remains a monument of himself.
[16:08:18] <PPA> I? I? I let myself fall victim to my insanity! I chained myself up, I went so far as to forget and lose myself and became a slave to my twisted mind and its strangling limitations!
[16:08:51] <PPA> But no more, no more I say! I will finally burst these chains I imposed onto myself!
[16:09:32] <PPA> I may still not be myself yet, I am still lost and not sure what I actually desire
[16:09:46] <PPA> but while I am not yet back to who I truly am, I am coming.
[16:10:06] <PPA> THAT IS ALL
[16:10:10] <PPA> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHH
[16:10:41] <PPA> ALSO FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS RIVER AND HIS VALLEY
[16:12:08] <PPA> Aside from that, I went to my wonderful city of birth Bonn again and bought Wallenstein I and II, Kabale und Liebe, Macbeth, die Leiden des jungen Werther, two more volumes of PLUTO, the second volume of the Zelda OoT manga
[16:12:33] <PPA> and lastly I went to the tailor and ordered a coat for the winter.

ALSO I AM SORRY FOR FLOODING THIS THREAD
ALSO I WON'T COME TO THIS SITE ANY MORE FOR A WHILE (but still be in the channel)
I don't know yet which is the right path. To shed off all desires with even the slightest bit of selfish longing for happiness, or to bear the burden for the sake of the respective goal itself, even if along the way I have to work towards making myself happy. But for now, I don't yet know. I also don't know my goals any more (aside from basic ones like, well, working as a lawyer, perhaps acquiring a summer residence in the north like for example Norway, becoming politically active once I move to Bonn to hopefully eventually make it a city running entirely on regenerative energies etc. (ok this one isn't really basic)) and I realised that neither am I my true self any more. But I will rediscover the latter and revitalise former ones if I still deem them relevant; if not then I will discard them and no longer let my mind's clinging limit myself! For the only limits I have are the ones I impose onto myself (QED last year I was already afraid of driving 1 hour to Cologne for a bit, this summer I drove 7 hours to the other end of the country and visited 6 cities and 1 Schloss in 6 days. Hah.)

This post has been edited by P.P.A.: Oct 8 2009, 03:02 PM

That was wrong too. If you don't know the response don't bother.